hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
