sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did you pee in the oven last night??
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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