Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
