I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize