end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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