Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
