so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
