Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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