the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize