I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
