your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
