Your face is a jimmy john
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
