you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
