we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
