I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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