My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
