So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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