I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
