I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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