I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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