My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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