i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize