i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
