i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
