Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
