Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
