Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
