One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
