just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
soo... how was my night?
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