if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
