I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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