I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
