so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
