so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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