Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
