I could have mohawked her pubes.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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