There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
