Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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