Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
