She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
