Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize