Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
