I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
