sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize