my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
