soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
