Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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