So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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