We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
