you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
