she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
