youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
