apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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