I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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