:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We got so high we made milksteak
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
