Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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