Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
