Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
