drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You made out with two different species that night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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