I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
there is glitter all over my balls
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize