Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
