My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
