At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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