Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
