I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
