I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
