apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
