What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
