There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
