Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize