Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
