her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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